My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
