I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
