My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
