All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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