Someone shit on the floor
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is Oprah even human
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
