and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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