Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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