he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
