I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
