WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
