She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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