I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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