Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
