I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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