did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
MIDGETS
????
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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