Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I need moral support for this bender
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
