Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
