You really coming over, don't trick.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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