Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
