my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
