I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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