his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize