just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
