Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
