is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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