I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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