It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize