i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
