Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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