Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I faked an abortion last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
