I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
