Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
