Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
