The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
