onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
