At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
