Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
