she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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