She is in my trunk
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
