You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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