So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
