did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
