I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
