And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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