the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What a dumb baby whore.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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