My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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