Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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