Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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