I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize