I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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