I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
