I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
