I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
