Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
