Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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